Insights and thoughts on Guilt..

I cannot explain about the post in the 2nd posting because I don't remember what was going on at the time, but I do remember that I had listed links on the other website and the site referred to was on the links list.  However, that site no longer exists.

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Insights - Originally posted Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 9:39 AM

I wanted to post some stuff from my Xanga site... it was originally from from March 11, but I changed some words to make ti make sense to someone reading this now. :) On that day, I had just had my gall bladder removed 5 days previously and was having a hard day in the recovery. I just didn't bounce back mentally as quickly as I had hoped I would. It probably took 2 1/2 weeks for that to happen.

I realized my mental outlook wasn't as high as it should have been be and it hit me when I went to this website put out by the high school pastor at Compass... Bobby Blakey. He was posting on Psalm 68 and highlighted verse 6 ==> "God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." Yes, I have foot in mouth disease... saying things that I shouldn't say and then regretting it. I do admit I am lonely, but that is slowly changing. I didn't bother to add that part in on my post. I also didn't bother to post that I do have a lot of friends, but they're all older.. and married. I don't care really about the married part, but I do care somewhat about the age part. One other thing I realized is that I'm slightly envious of close friendships because I currently don't have one. I know it takes time, but it doesn't help the envy. Perhaps envy is my "beloved" sin. I was just listening to that sermon from ages ago the other day -- great sermon -- it was a guest speaker (Jack Hughes) from a looong time ago at PCC. I think it was in 2004 or something. I doubt you could find it still on the Focal Point website, but let me know if you want to get a listen to it and I'll let you borrow the CD.

There is a problem also that I see. I still see myself as 228 pounds, not like I am. Yes, I have lost 68 pounds since January 2006. And it is only because of the strength God has given me and a lot of faith in Him that this has happened. But, there is still a major disconnect. I tried on some pants that are SIZE 12 ! I could not believe they fit. I just rolled my eyes at my mother when she handed them to me, but the pants are actually big. Jeans are a whole different issue... but I'm learning not to care about the size. It takes time, I hear, to change my thinking, but it trips me up sometimes.

I have been listening to Good Monsters (Jars of Clay) a lot. And the words to some of the songs have been echoing in my head. I just LOVE the lyrics on this album... 5 years ago I would have laughed in the face of the person who told me that I would use a Jars of Clay album to cheer me up as I did on March 11. But, here I am... I was listening to it nonstop. The words to this song help cheer me up and realize that God is the only way I will change my thinking about myself. It is not something I can do on my own power no matter how hard I try. So thanks Dan, Matt, Charlie and Steve for a WONDERFUL CD to make me think and challenge my walk with Christ.


TAKE ME HIGHER
It took a lot to turn away * Blood and water from one side * It took your eyes to stare me down* It took the truth to set me free, to set me free * Looking for place to hide * Waiting for the wind to rise * My soul is waiting * Looking for a place to hide * I need a little peace tonight

Take me higher than the sun * You are the only one * Take me higher than the sun

Around the ceiling of the heart * Is where we feel the things that send us away * To where the blind can see the stars * So do you see the stars, do you see the stars? * Looking for a place to hide * I need a little peace tonight

Take me higher than the sun * You are the only one * Take me higher than the sun

Words and music by Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell, Stephen Mason, Matt Odmark© 2006 Bridge Building Music, Inc.Pogostick Music / BMI / All rights administered byBrentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.All rights reserved. Used by permission.

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Guilty! Originally posted - Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 9:54 AM

In my last post, I mentioned that the high school pastor has a website. On the website, he has a feature for the high school kids called Psalm of the Day... where each day of the year is associated with a Psalm in order of how it is in the Bible. The website also has blogs from him and his friend Brad... and a bunch of other things. The site is www.godsongmusic.com. Anyway, this post is from March 18 and inspired by this particular Psalm, Psalm 77. I put my original post in italics to have this blog make a little more sense.

The first is a simple, I am just sinful and fall short of God. Since I read it after church today, it brought me back to the sermon in the first 1/3 of the service where Pastor Mike was talking about Peter when he was first began to follow Christ in the gospel of Luke. Christ told Peter to throw the nets on the right side of the boat and the nets broke because there were so many fish after an entire night of no fish. Peter said, "Get away from me, I am a sinful man". That's what I posted on the site, which was the first thing that came to mind. Or at least that the verses reminded me of how sinful I am, I didn't say anything about Peter. I was too tired to post anything else that would make any sort of sense.

But, in a much more meaningful way... Psalm 77:3-4 also talks about the weight guilt has. "3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. 4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak." This pattern is also definitely seen in Psalm 32, one that I always have to turn to when I consider why I am so restless and anxious and can't sleep. Unfortunately this week I didn't realize how much guilt I was living with until this morning... again, in church... but the last third of the sermon. Pastor Mike was talking about guilt. And talking about how Peter was going back to fishing and back to his old life when Jesus appeared on the Sea of Gallillee. The whole exchange of Jesus talking to Peter about feeding his sheep and not giving up on the mission He gave Peter and the other disciples. I can't explain why it struck me in a way it never has before... sure, I've heard POWERFUL sermons on this exact set of scripture, but it was a sharp pang of guilt this morning. Of the many points Pastor Mike had, the one that hit me the hardest was that the only thing guilt should bring a person to do is confess their sin... he referred to Psalm 103:12 and Isaiah 1:18 and said that once we confess the sin, we need to let the guilt go.

Letting the guilt go is crucial for being/remaining close to God. It can become a barrier. And if you didn't think those consequences were bad enough, the physical consequences make your dealings with life and with people much worse. I only speak from experience on that. :) 

Catching up!

After about a two year break, I have decided to start blogging again.  For the first few entries, I'm going to copy what my previous posts have been from another site I did from 2007-2009 but have deleted the email account so it's no longer a valid blog.  :)

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CAPTIVATING - originally written June 17, 2007 at 9:17 AM 

 

I've been told to read the author of this book, Captivating, for a few years. The name of his first book escapes me right now, but the authors are John ad Stasi Eldridge. At first I thought this was going to be an allegorical book and wasn't interested when my friend Daks told me about it a few months ago. I didn't want to read another Hind's Feet on High Places or The Chronicles of Narnia. While these are fabulous reads, I need something that is non-fiction and talks about the Christian walk. A week or so ago, I was urged by the Spirit to go to Barnes and Noble after work and sit there and read a few pages of Captivating. The other B&Ns I've gone to never had it in stock, but somehow I knew this one would. And I found out in the first two pages it is nothing at all what I expected. In the week I've been reading this, I'm on Chapter 6 or 7, it is definitely a good read for both men and women, though this book is written for women. Needless to say, I have been "captivated" (grin) by the book.

Though I have been reading this as a cover to cover book right now, it is not really a book to do that with. Anyone reading it should ponder the truths written... slowly. There is so much to consider and it does no justice to read it in one or two sittings. Especially when you are so caught up with nodding your head "yes, that's exactly how I feel" and miss the points being made. The first few pages I read, lumps started forming in my throat. And in the privacy of my car a few days later while waiting for church to get out, tears formed. This book examines the heart of a woman and explores some of our deepest needs. The bottom line that I can already see will be echoed through the rest of this book ? GOD FINDS US (women) CAPTIVATING !!! From what I read so far in this book, Wild at Heart is just like this (but written for men) so I'll read that next. It can only help me. :)

I had to kind of laugh at one section in the book when the authors were talking about Adam and Eve. I already have decided that after talking to Peter the apostle when I get to heaven, the first person I want to talk to is Eve. Why Eve, you ask? Why not Adam, King David, Paul, or Moses? Or, even my grandmothers? Isn't Adam the one who started this whole sin thing? I think the contrary. I'm not saying this to pick on women (hehe), but it was actually Eve... Eve is the one who took the first bite if you recall. Though I will admit that Adam had a big part in it and could have stopped her from making the biggest mistake of their lives. I had never noticed this before. Genesis 3:6 says "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." I definitely want to comment more on this, but I will take care of this in future blogs. I also want to outline Captivating, chapter by chapter, but that will be in two weeks or so.

* allegorical: Merriam Webster defines this as "having hidden spiritual meaning that transcends the literal sense of a sacred text"

 

 

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INSANITY - originally written June 17, 2007 at 8:22 PM

 

Someone once told me the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." And though the thought isn't in line with the Biblical lifestyle, I had to sadly smile at the parallel we CAN draw to the Christian life and how we CAN take that and make our lives in line with the Bible.

Sin, in general, is an insane thing. It started with the serpent, Eve and Adam. It continued with Cain. And it has been passed down from each generations. Christians are not exempt from sin. Christians sin all the time, we just know that we need to ask for forgiveness and repent. Paul illustrates how insane sin is... just from the internal battle alone. He says in Romans 7:14-20 "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." The insanity also comes from not following the path God has set forth and expecting to be at peace with the decision to not follow the Spirit. But, still the Christian sins and expects a different result of being at peace.

How does one prevent -- or lessen? -- this insanity?

For one thing, prayer. 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 says "17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Prayer brings the Christian closer to God and gives them complete peace in every situation. This peace surpasses ALL (human) understanding (see Philippians 4:7). When a Christian is in prayer, there is a connection with God. You understand what God wants for your life and you literally can hear Him speak to you! It may not be audible, but it is very clear when He is leading you and when he is not. Another reason to be in prayer other than sensing where God is bringing you, this is when sin is revealed! For this, read Psalm 139 - the whole thing.

The other thing to do is remain in God's word. Every day. Maybe multiple times a day. Psalm 119:105 says "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." but it is better to read the entire chapter. :) There is a saying in some Christian circles saying BIBLE is really an acrostic and that it means "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth". As elementary as that sounds, there is a huge amount of truth to that!! The Bible is

God's love letter to us... Christians. And reading it keeps us focused and away from the insanity of sin.