Not inspired/passionate...

I'm not inspired or passionate about much right now.  I didn't realize it until last night.  Someone asked me what made me passionate.  They commented that I am passionate about putting my thoughts online.  I smiled and nodded but dismissed it, honestly.  I didn't think I was passionate about that.  But then I laughed.  I thought about Facebook and I thought about my one liners to my friends when their favorite team loses.  And yes, yes I am passionate about making comments like that... but because they are my friends and I know they love the comments. 

But I'm not passionate about much else.  Not interested to go to the gym.  I'm obviously not passionate or interested in writing (or I would have found some other posts from my old blog to put on here in the last month or two).  Not passionate really about being with people.  Not really passionate about church or God.  After having not really gone to church since mid-February due to things beyond my control... three weeks ago I went to Harvest OC.  Yes, the Harvest.... Greg Laurie's church.  He opened a campus in Irvine on Jamboree and Campus a few months ago and it's already a happening place.  The auditorium sits 864 and there is already an overflow room.  At least, the 1130AM service is packed.... Greg Laurie himself drives from Riverside for this service and preaches, it is not a video feed like the 930am service is.   But, I digress.  I felt God moving in me.  And I cried.  And that hasn't happened for a long time.  Last week, much more of the same.  I have a small appetite for God's word again, but am I passionate again?  Well, almost.  (yay!)

And then I thought about WHY I'm not passionate about much else.  That is a much more interesting and complex answer... and one I don't honestly know the complete answer to.  It possibly stems from the health issues going on the past three or four months.  It has been a rough trial from March through May but I have made it through and though I am downcast somewhat, I can praise God just the same!

I read Psalm 8 this morning and that's all I can think about all day... it has made me smile.... genuinely smile.  It is absolutely amazing that the same God who made the heavens is my Father and Comforter, even when I feel so distant... because it's me that moves away, not Him!!!

Psalm 8 - English Standard Version

1O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. 2Out of the mouth of babies and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger. 3When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, 4 what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? 5Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. 6You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet, 7all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field, 8the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas. 9O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Keep Moving Forward

This is so darn timely for what is going on right now in my life with the kidney stone surgery/procedure and everything else.  It gave me inspiration to look at me and be strong.  This post was originally posted on April 23, 2007 a few days after I quit my last job.  I was in really bad shape back then and it felt good to reflect back as to how far I have actually come since then.

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I'm not a quitter, but I just had to quit my job after 5 1/2 years. Way too much stress for me to deal with to stay there any longer. Talk about instant relief when I decided that last week. I went into work today and handed the lady in HR my badge and my doctor notes showing I was really off for medical reasons last week (doc was worried and insisted I took time off). She looked at me like "What is going on." I only said, "You were a witness to the conversation between [no names mentioned] and me and she said for me to think about what I need to do and I've decided what I need to do."
I went to Arizona with my parents and while we were there, mom and I went to see "Meet the Robinsons" - the newest Disney cartoon. I got a little annoyed, probably because I was waiting for the line that I had heard from it which was "Keep Moving Forward" from my dad who had seen it with my sister and her kids. I felt ridiculous at age 30 walking into a cartoon movie with my mother who is 62, but it was worth seeing it just for the line and ultimately the theme of the entire movie. Bottom line of the movie is whatever Louis did, failed. A guy from the future appeared and throughout the movie kept saying to Louis "As my dad, Cornelius Robinson says, 'Keep Moving Forward' because you will never learn from your successes, only your failures." There was a twist to it, but I can't share what it is -- you will just have to see it. It is definitely worth sitting through it to see the ending.

A friend, Kami, sent me an email today and told me that the low feelings are conquered by sharing what God is doing in my life.... and just like a sermon I heard on Psalm 13 by Pastor Pete, she's right....

The theme of the movie sat very well with me -- keep moving forward. I can't help but think of Paul in Philippians 3.... verses 12-14 say "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Funny thing is that it isn't even 4 hours since I turned my stuff into my former job and I'm not even looking back. And I won't. I won't shed another tear, even though deep down at times I feel like I have wasted the past 10 months of my life.... I should have quit 10 months ago rather than transferred departments. But no more tears. Really. I have no reason to because I know God has a better job for me. Something that is far beyond anything I can comprehend. Yeah, just like Cornelius Robinson says, "Keep Moving Forward".

I talked to another friend yesterday and she was saying how in the past few months I have made a lot of huge decisions and she has seen a transformation -- before, she said that I would burst into tears and feel totally hopeless and feel that nothing is going to improve the situation at hand. But now, I make decisions and I'm confident in the decisions and how proud she is of me for changing and being so confident. We both started crying. Geez Sara, my eyes are welling up with tears still Thanks a lot. ha ha But you know ? It's true.

And the horrible depression I have dealt with? I think of Paul. He says in 2 Corinthians 12 ==> "...there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." That is an amazing truth to ponder.

Trials (Reposted)

This is a re-post of a re-post.  :) 


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Trials.. of many kinds

This was originally posted on my Xanga site on April 10, 2007 :)

This morning I was reminded of a verse I used to keep in the front of my mind the majority of the time (thanks Dale ... and Shawna ... for keeping my mind focused on the right things). But, it has quickly become something in the back of my mind for some reason.

James 1:2-4 says "2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I am going through some trials right now... none I can mention on here because this world is so small I don't want anyone to hear that these are regarding. I mean, other than the obvious physical trials of a major surgery. BUT knowing these tests I'm going through are actually strengthening me, encourages me and actually makes me happy I am going through these trials. In the midst of my trials, I'm finding ways to encourage other people and look beyond myself right now, which is something I am definitely not used to. I would have never sent someone an email AND called them letting them know I'm praying for them and that I know what they are going through... even if I really did and wasn't simply piling on the Christian-ese "I'll pray for ya man". But, two weeks ago I did exactly that.... a teen at church had her gall bladder removed and I had a sense of urgency to email and call her parents to let them know they can call me if they didn't want to call the doctor or whatever. I had the privilege of meeting her parents AND her on Good Friday after the second service. It was really cool. I guess this leads me to the other thought I had for a few days...

On Easter, my mom sat next to this lady who I've seen but haven't ever really talked to. As they were leaving, the lady went to my mom and said, "I want to make sure you know that we ALL adore your daughter here." That knocked the wind out of me. I didn't get how someone I haven't ever really talked to could say that, but as mom pointed out -- I obviously am carrying myself quite a bit differently than before and people are noticing. Perhaps not the people I REALLY want to say stuff are saying it (ie., single Christian males), but it was liberating to hear. Maybe they are noticing, feel the same way but aren't saying anything to anyone... hmm. Now there's a concept I hadn't ever thought about... but I won't dwell on it.

Insights and thoughts on Guilt..

I cannot explain about the post in the 2nd posting because I don't remember what was going on at the time, but I do remember that I had listed links on the other website and the site referred to was on the links list.  However, that site no longer exists.

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Insights - Originally posted Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 9:39 AM

I wanted to post some stuff from my Xanga site... it was originally from from March 11, but I changed some words to make ti make sense to someone reading this now. :) On that day, I had just had my gall bladder removed 5 days previously and was having a hard day in the recovery. I just didn't bounce back mentally as quickly as I had hoped I would. It probably took 2 1/2 weeks for that to happen.

I realized my mental outlook wasn't as high as it should have been be and it hit me when I went to this website put out by the high school pastor at Compass... Bobby Blakey. He was posting on Psalm 68 and highlighted verse 6 ==> "God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." Yes, I have foot in mouth disease... saying things that I shouldn't say and then regretting it. I do admit I am lonely, but that is slowly changing. I didn't bother to add that part in on my post. I also didn't bother to post that I do have a lot of friends, but they're all older.. and married. I don't care really about the married part, but I do care somewhat about the age part. One other thing I realized is that I'm slightly envious of close friendships because I currently don't have one. I know it takes time, but it doesn't help the envy. Perhaps envy is my "beloved" sin. I was just listening to that sermon from ages ago the other day -- great sermon -- it was a guest speaker (Jack Hughes) from a looong time ago at PCC. I think it was in 2004 or something. I doubt you could find it still on the Focal Point website, but let me know if you want to get a listen to it and I'll let you borrow the CD.

There is a problem also that I see. I still see myself as 228 pounds, not like I am. Yes, I have lost 68 pounds since January 2006. And it is only because of the strength God has given me and a lot of faith in Him that this has happened. But, there is still a major disconnect. I tried on some pants that are SIZE 12 ! I could not believe they fit. I just rolled my eyes at my mother when she handed them to me, but the pants are actually big. Jeans are a whole different issue... but I'm learning not to care about the size. It takes time, I hear, to change my thinking, but it trips me up sometimes.

I have been listening to Good Monsters (Jars of Clay) a lot. And the words to some of the songs have been echoing in my head. I just LOVE the lyrics on this album... 5 years ago I would have laughed in the face of the person who told me that I would use a Jars of Clay album to cheer me up as I did on March 11. But, here I am... I was listening to it nonstop. The words to this song help cheer me up and realize that God is the only way I will change my thinking about myself. It is not something I can do on my own power no matter how hard I try. So thanks Dan, Matt, Charlie and Steve for a WONDERFUL CD to make me think and challenge my walk with Christ.


TAKE ME HIGHER
It took a lot to turn away * Blood and water from one side * It took your eyes to stare me down* It took the truth to set me free, to set me free * Looking for place to hide * Waiting for the wind to rise * My soul is waiting * Looking for a place to hide * I need a little peace tonight

Take me higher than the sun * You are the only one * Take me higher than the sun

Around the ceiling of the heart * Is where we feel the things that send us away * To where the blind can see the stars * So do you see the stars, do you see the stars? * Looking for a place to hide * I need a little peace tonight

Take me higher than the sun * You are the only one * Take me higher than the sun

Words and music by Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell, Stephen Mason, Matt Odmark© 2006 Bridge Building Music, Inc.Pogostick Music / BMI / All rights administered byBrentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.All rights reserved. Used by permission.

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Guilty! Originally posted - Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 9:54 AM

In my last post, I mentioned that the high school pastor has a website. On the website, he has a feature for the high school kids called Psalm of the Day... where each day of the year is associated with a Psalm in order of how it is in the Bible. The website also has blogs from him and his friend Brad... and a bunch of other things. The site is www.godsongmusic.com. Anyway, this post is from March 18 and inspired by this particular Psalm, Psalm 77. I put my original post in italics to have this blog make a little more sense.

The first is a simple, I am just sinful and fall short of God. Since I read it after church today, it brought me back to the sermon in the first 1/3 of the service where Pastor Mike was talking about Peter when he was first began to follow Christ in the gospel of Luke. Christ told Peter to throw the nets on the right side of the boat and the nets broke because there were so many fish after an entire night of no fish. Peter said, "Get away from me, I am a sinful man". That's what I posted on the site, which was the first thing that came to mind. Or at least that the verses reminded me of how sinful I am, I didn't say anything about Peter. I was too tired to post anything else that would make any sort of sense.

But, in a much more meaningful way... Psalm 77:3-4 also talks about the weight guilt has. "3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. 4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak." This pattern is also definitely seen in Psalm 32, one that I always have to turn to when I consider why I am so restless and anxious and can't sleep. Unfortunately this week I didn't realize how much guilt I was living with until this morning... again, in church... but the last third of the sermon. Pastor Mike was talking about guilt. And talking about how Peter was going back to fishing and back to his old life when Jesus appeared on the Sea of Gallillee. The whole exchange of Jesus talking to Peter about feeding his sheep and not giving up on the mission He gave Peter and the other disciples. I can't explain why it struck me in a way it never has before... sure, I've heard POWERFUL sermons on this exact set of scripture, but it was a sharp pang of guilt this morning. Of the many points Pastor Mike had, the one that hit me the hardest was that the only thing guilt should bring a person to do is confess their sin... he referred to Psalm 103:12 and Isaiah 1:18 and said that once we confess the sin, we need to let the guilt go.

Letting the guilt go is crucial for being/remaining close to God. It can become a barrier. And if you didn't think those consequences were bad enough, the physical consequences make your dealings with life and with people much worse. I only speak from experience on that. :) 

Catching up!

After about a two year break, I have decided to start blogging again.  For the first few entries, I'm going to copy what my previous posts have been from another site I did from 2007-2009 but have deleted the email account so it's no longer a valid blog.  :)

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CAPTIVATING - originally written June 17, 2007 at 9:17 AM 

 

I've been told to read the author of this book, Captivating, for a few years. The name of his first book escapes me right now, but the authors are John ad Stasi Eldridge. At first I thought this was going to be an allegorical book and wasn't interested when my friend Daks told me about it a few months ago. I didn't want to read another Hind's Feet on High Places or The Chronicles of Narnia. While these are fabulous reads, I need something that is non-fiction and talks about the Christian walk. A week or so ago, I was urged by the Spirit to go to Barnes and Noble after work and sit there and read a few pages of Captivating. The other B&Ns I've gone to never had it in stock, but somehow I knew this one would. And I found out in the first two pages it is nothing at all what I expected. In the week I've been reading this, I'm on Chapter 6 or 7, it is definitely a good read for both men and women, though this book is written for women. Needless to say, I have been "captivated" (grin) by the book.

Though I have been reading this as a cover to cover book right now, it is not really a book to do that with. Anyone reading it should ponder the truths written... slowly. There is so much to consider and it does no justice to read it in one or two sittings. Especially when you are so caught up with nodding your head "yes, that's exactly how I feel" and miss the points being made. The first few pages I read, lumps started forming in my throat. And in the privacy of my car a few days later while waiting for church to get out, tears formed. This book examines the heart of a woman and explores some of our deepest needs. The bottom line that I can already see will be echoed through the rest of this book ? GOD FINDS US (women) CAPTIVATING !!! From what I read so far in this book, Wild at Heart is just like this (but written for men) so I'll read that next. It can only help me. :)

I had to kind of laugh at one section in the book when the authors were talking about Adam and Eve. I already have decided that after talking to Peter the apostle when I get to heaven, the first person I want to talk to is Eve. Why Eve, you ask? Why not Adam, King David, Paul, or Moses? Or, even my grandmothers? Isn't Adam the one who started this whole sin thing? I think the contrary. I'm not saying this to pick on women (hehe), but it was actually Eve... Eve is the one who took the first bite if you recall. Though I will admit that Adam had a big part in it and could have stopped her from making the biggest mistake of their lives. I had never noticed this before. Genesis 3:6 says "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." I definitely want to comment more on this, but I will take care of this in future blogs. I also want to outline Captivating, chapter by chapter, but that will be in two weeks or so.

* allegorical: Merriam Webster defines this as "having hidden spiritual meaning that transcends the literal sense of a sacred text"

 

 

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INSANITY - originally written June 17, 2007 at 8:22 PM

 

Someone once told me the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." And though the thought isn't in line with the Biblical lifestyle, I had to sadly smile at the parallel we CAN draw to the Christian life and how we CAN take that and make our lives in line with the Bible.

Sin, in general, is an insane thing. It started with the serpent, Eve and Adam. It continued with Cain. And it has been passed down from each generations. Christians are not exempt from sin. Christians sin all the time, we just know that we need to ask for forgiveness and repent. Paul illustrates how insane sin is... just from the internal battle alone. He says in Romans 7:14-20 "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." The insanity also comes from not following the path God has set forth and expecting to be at peace with the decision to not follow the Spirit. But, still the Christian sins and expects a different result of being at peace.

How does one prevent -- or lessen? -- this insanity?

For one thing, prayer. 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 says "17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Prayer brings the Christian closer to God and gives them complete peace in every situation. This peace surpasses ALL (human) understanding (see Philippians 4:7). When a Christian is in prayer, there is a connection with God. You understand what God wants for your life and you literally can hear Him speak to you! It may not be audible, but it is very clear when He is leading you and when he is not. Another reason to be in prayer other than sensing where God is bringing you, this is when sin is revealed! For this, read Psalm 139 - the whole thing.

The other thing to do is remain in God's word. Every day. Maybe multiple times a day. Psalm 119:105 says "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." but it is better to read the entire chapter. :) There is a saying in some Christian circles saying BIBLE is really an acrostic and that it means "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth". As elementary as that sounds, there is a huge amount of truth to that!! The Bible is

God's love letter to us... Christians. And reading it keeps us focused and away from the insanity of sin.